It may seem ridiculous but I feel ever so naughty using that F word in my title!  I don’t think the average Kiwi today would consider it a swear word, but it was certainly thought of as such in our household when I was a child.  Instead of such profanity,  we used the terms wind or parp-parp (how’s that one for a bit of onomatopoeia?).  Even now, the three males in my household will respectfully choose to remove themselves from my presence to do a botty-cough.  If they’re not feeling particularly respectful, however, they will just fart – loudly and proudly – and then have a good laugh about it.

I don’t know why the act of flatulation is so taboo in our culture.  We all do it every day, and apparently between ten and twenty times.  It is part of a normal, healthy digestive system. In fact, after doing a bit of botty-cough research, I have learnt that not doing parp-parps can result in “intestinal distension, leading to bloating or nausea”.  Thank you, Dr Rosario Ligresti MD.   Yes, I confess I have experienced this.  But what’s a polite girl to do?  For some reason in most cultures it’s not ok to let rip in public, as healthy as it may be – unless, that is, you are part of the Yanomami tribe of northern Brazil and southern Venezuela, for whom farting is a form of greeting!  How unhealthy is it then, if we do our best to contain and restrain?  I am glad to say that Dr Ligresti continues with the reassurance that gas, if not passed, “will be absorbed by the bloodstream and ultimately breathed out by the lungs…”.  So ultimately, repression is not medically harmful—but just not medically recommended. 

Of course, there are a lot of other rules as to what is or isn’t socially polite within cultures.  However, sometimes we don’t even realise that certain rules are specific to our own culture, presuming that everyone has the same set of regulations. But that is definitely not the case. In China and Taiwan, burping after a meal is considered complementary to the chef.  This is also true in some parts of India, although not all.  Then again, in our western culture, women showing a bit of leg is generally ok, whereas there are several cultures in the world where this is definitely not within the socially acceptable rules.

I have been reading up on social etiquette in France.  My eternal struggle with punctuality now makes sense.  It is not my lack of time management after all.  Mais non, it is all to do with my French blood!  In France, if you are invited to a 7pm meal, it would be seriously impolite to arrive early or even on time – oh la la la la!  The far more acceptable time to arrive would be around 7:15pm.  Why is this?  I have no idea.  But it works for me.  I seem to arrive 15 minutes late to everything despite my best intentions. Sigh.

The whole social hugging thing is also considered a bit weird by the French.  Rather than squishing their bodies together in greeting, they choose instead to greet each other with a kiss to each cheek. It is known as la bise. I say “kiss” but it is not a kiss on the cheek as us Kiwis know it.  In France, commonly the lips do not even touch the other person’s skin. It’s just a little “smack”, cheek to cheek accompanied by a kissing sound. La bise usually starts with the left cheek first, but it depends which area of France you are in.  In most places, two kisses is the norm, but in others you can expect more.  Don’t worry, when I find my dream house in France, I’ll let you know what the rules are so you can practise up.

I have been doing some French practice of my own during these past few days of Christmas festivities – not in the cheek smacking department, but rather in the correct way to drink wine. I know what you are thinking – yes, I am that dedicated.  In France, a commonly polite way to toast is to say “santé!” which means good health.  However, it is very important to make eye contact when clinking glasses – and you must clink glasses with everyone.  I’m not superstitious at all, however since the repercussions of not making eye contact is apparently seven years of bad Special Mummy and Daddy Cuddles (just can’t bring myself to say fart and sex in the same post – oops…), then I don’t think I’ll risk it, just in case.

Joyeux Noel et bonne année à tous.

Santé!